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One thing leads to the other

August 10, 2006

I’ve had two episodes which can best be described as hot flashes. I think maybe they are hypoglycemic episodes, that are manifesting themselves differently than I’m used to. First I get a really weird feeling in my stomach, almost like an adrenaline rush feeling, but not in a good way, and then I get really flushed, and really hot. This is all followed with an inability to control my breathing, where I start to breathe really heavy, panting for about a minute. Then it all goes away, and I’m left feeling tired. It happened once at night, and the feeling in my stomach woke me up, and the other day it happened in my cubicle. I have been having a bit of processed sugar lately (OK, more than a bit, but Mexpat went to Mexico and brought back loads of candy) and I had been avoiding processed sugar almost completely for the three months previous. I think this is probably the cause.

But it’s strange, and unsettling. If it happens again, I’ll go see the doctor.

I told my sister about it, and she asked if I was stressed. I told her I wasn’t really. Never, ever tell someone you aren’t stressed, because inevitably everything will, at that exact moment in the universe, get stressful.

I’m stressed now, and I’m blaming my sister.

Work is on overload, and I’m breaking down. Last night, I just got up and left, with a lot to do. I couldn’t take it. Then Sister called with some news that sent my blood pressure soaring. Even my walk to work this morning was unpleasant. I couldn’t get some thoughts out of my head, and kept dwelling on some bad stuff.

One thought led to another, which led to another, which led to my realization that at my age, my mother had four children, and my father had two successful businesses. The four kids part is ridiculous to compare myself to. Obviously, I don’t envy her position, and it is easy for me to believe that. I have a friend with three children. I have a friend with two children. This seems a bit “normal”. But I don’t have any friends who own their own business, and are supporting a family of six with it. This seems incredulous to me. I imagine having my own business, once I’ve gotten another five to 10 years of experience in me. Is this a too-safe way of thinking? Am I being too guarded? Or am I being sensible? My father didn’t have student loans, and credit card debt. He had parents who still helped support them. My situation is the opposite. Or am I just justifying? He had four kids, and a lot to lose. My boss says he has been in the lighting business for over 20 years. I’m guessing he is close to my father’s age, so this means that he started his own lighting firm when he was my age.

I don’t know. I’m completely unsettled with these thoughts. It’s like a light bulb is flashing in my brain that says those people who go around saying 30 is the new 20 might just be right! On the other hand, I don’t want to be one of those people who just needs to grow up and get real! I’m going to have to chew on this for a while.

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