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Going Home

December 26, 2007

I just returned from spending Christmas in Texas. I was in Texas back in October, so it hasn’t been too long since I was there. In October I was only there for three days though, and it just wasn’t enough time. I have too much family in too many places to get to everybody in that amount of time. I had decided to come for seven days this trip, and still it wasn’t enough time. Apparently, I have too much family in too many places to get to everybody in that amount of time. I’d like to take the time to apologize to Bryan and Matt for not calling. Sorry guys- I really wanted to.
By the fifth day I was stressed to the max. But while everyone was afraid (particularly my father) that I was stressed because of them, the truth was I was stressed because of my expectations for myself. I wasn’t able to be everywhere that everyone wanted me to be. It was frustrating to me, not because I felt their expectations were unreasonable, but because I wanted to meet their expectations and was not able to.
I wanted to spend every moment with my dad, and I wanted to spend every moment with my mom, and I wanted to spend every moment with Sister, and then I wanted to make sure l’il sister understood how much I love her, and that l’il brother understood how important he was to me, and that Will understood I believe in him. I wanted step mom C to know that I love her, not least because she makes my dad happy, and I wanted mom’s boyfriend to understand that I was OK with him. I wanted to see my grandparents every day, and let them know that I love them, especially after losing one grandfather this year.
I often feel a heavy sense of disappointment from myself because I’m not there all the time. Sister has to deal with a lot of it, and I just want her to just give it to me, so she can relax. My parents confide in me with a lot, and it is frustrating that my ability to help them with the “little ones” is severely limited by my current location. But the worst of it is that it will probably only get worse- location wise.
But while I’m in Texas, and when I’m not getting overwhelmed by my sense of duty, I’m overwhelmed with the sense of belonging. Funnily enough I never felt like I belonged in Texas until I left it. It makes going home bittersweet. I realize that being Texan, being in my family, raised on a small ranch in Troup, growing up with the cows, the creek, and a beautiful hilltop is a tremendous part of who I am, not just who I was.
I miss talking business with my dad, even. I know when I’m there on a daily basis it can get to be too much, but we connect in a certain way that I don’t with other people. We get each other in a lot of ways that are unexplainable.
When I drive up the airport road on the way to my hangar, the familiarity of it all is so calming. Walking into the hangar is another experience, but in general being at the airport, talking “dz” talk, and hanging out with skydivers and pilots is fantastic.
Damn, I miss it.
I miss being in the skydiver community, really being in it, not just showing up for work. (Warning- some skydiver lingo might be creeping in in these next few sentences.) My sister’s new boyfriend, Chris, is an avid skydiver (freeflyer). He’s on a team. Sister recommended I watch his video, so Chris popped it in. I love skydiving video’s. They feel like watching home videos. Watching his mid-air canopy collision was freaking exciting (especially, since I knew it turned out ok), watching a whuffo run away when he thought he was about to be a swoop casualty was hilarious, and watching a beautifully executed six point (!) freefly dive was incredible. When I was skydiving, two points was the talk of the drop zone. I knew that freeflying had progressed to this point, but it was so exciting to actually see it- to see the precision and beauty of that kind of flight. I miss being around that. I usually tell people that I used to be a skydiver, and that is true, but it is also true that it is still a part of who I am, as well.
I know that one day I will be turning points with three other people, but that day is just not now. (I like RW- deal with it. And I know they don’t call it RW anymore, but I can’t remember what the new word is, so deal with that too.) I believe that I will get my pilot’s license, but now is not the time for that. Ironically, it is the same sense of duty to stay that is keeping me from putting these things back in my life on a daily basis like it once was.
As the crude saying goes: I’m still getting my shit together. It’ll happen, and I can’t wait.
One Comment leave one →
  1. December 28, 2007 9:32 pm

    My mom said the same thing about Texas, that it didn’t feel like home till she left–and came back.I’m glad it was a good trip, even if stressful.

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