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My Library is a Den of Iniquity

October 1, 2010

This week is the official Banned Books Week.  As school has recently started, bringing with it a fresh wave of indignant adults intent on protecting America’s youth, let’s take a look at books that I have read that have been banned or challenged. You can then decide for yourself if it’s safe to continue hanging around me during electrical storms.

1. Harry Potter series- J.K. Rowling
This is, of course, not one book, but all seven.  I am currently reading the fourth book, so this list is already off to a good soul-shriveling, devil-worshiping  start- Yay me!  I think we can all agree that a book series in which the entire premise is that love conquers all is in direct contradiction to the teachings of Christ and therefore will corrupt our fragile young chil–… Wait, that doesn’t sound right.

2. His Dark Materials series- Philip Pullman
Another series- three books to be exact, but he did  write two very short accompaniment novels later, so maybe those have been banned, too.  I’m not sure.
Lyra is surely the most evil of evil characters.  She is a cute little girl… who represents Eve! (Ah, now we are getting somewhere.)  Eve is, as we all know, the very first she-devil.  The wo-man who caused everything that is wrong with the world, and managed in a single act to confirm that women are inherently evil.  Sorry, guys- we’re born this way.  Here- I baked fresh muffins for you, to make up for my sick, evil nature.
On a more serious note, I never understood the Catholic Church getting upset about an angel dying, when said angel paraded himself around as God even though he wasn’t.  I mean, aren’t they then saying that they follow a dark angel masquerading as God, instead of God himself.   (Hmm… that description sounds familiar.)

3. A Wrinkle in Time- Madeleine L’Engle

You know, it seems that fantasy books get picked on by these banning people. However,  it’s also what I truly love to read, and A Wrinkle in Time was probably the first fantasy novel I read that completely rocked my world. It set me up for a lifetime love of young adult fantasy that relied heavily on science (which is also evil, by the way) as a basis of the plot.  So you could say that A Wrinkle in Time was my introductory drug to a lifetime of immoral corruption.  A Wrinkle in Time is the marijuana of literature- you heard it here first, people.

4. Of Mice and Men- John Steinbeck

OK, this one pisses me off. Not because I’m irritated that it’s been banned, but because I was forced to read this corrupting work of depravity in school.  It’s true then that America’s school system is a Godless network of Satanists and Liberals working together on a sinister agenda to ensure people go to college and learn about the world.  Heck, John Steinbeck probably started the movement.  The man seemed to feed off tragedy and he was a Commie–  the mark of true evil! I probably vote Democrat because I once read this novel.

If I sound more angry about this one, it’s because I hated this book.  I realize that alone could prove that I have no soul, but it’s true. It represented pretty much everything I don’t like in a novel.  I like books to end happy and to usually involve a love story.  Plus, as a child, I had a weird dislike for Oklahoma, and I always pictured Steinbeck books set in Oklahoma, whether or not they actually were.  Oklahoma was where happiness went to die. (I have no idea why I thought this, but I think it had something to do with the fact that my great-grandmother would always start crying when she talked about living in Oklahoma when she was a child.)

Before this list gets too long  (and unfortunately it could), let’s just end it here and all agree that I’m a miscreant.  A fiend.  A demon (which sounds a lot like dæmon, by the way).  Satan’s tool.  I’ve been corrupted by literature and there’s no turning back.

Is it lunchtime already?  I feel like tacos.

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