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The Tears are White, & so is the W(h)ine: A “Please Pass the Provolone” Post

July 15, 2011

Today is the final day of my lease in New York. Everyone is moving out, and Suhail and I have arranged to have movers take the remaining, really nice furniture out on to the street. That’s right. We have to pay someone to give away our stuff. Isn’t that awesome?  Emotionally, I’m a mess right now. There are a lot of loose ends on this, and I’m always anxious when the landlord does the inspection for the deposit. I can’t afford to lose money now. I actually patched all the nail holes in the walls when I was there over July 4th weekend, but there are a few items that aren’t perfect – none of which I can do anything about, or caused in the first place. I just don’t want him to be a jerk about it. The girls who sublet my room were brats about everything. They are getting hundreds of dollars of free stuff because I’m giving away everything, and one then had the audacity to ask if I could give them a break since the TV sold, and they couldn’t watch cable. I told her we could call it even on the free stuff. I mean we were talking 20 bucks vs. 100’s and she was nitpicking. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to start crying and ask her if she understood how much this whole situation hurt me. She doesn’t, I know.

I remember when I left Montreal. I had to do something similar where I left almost everything behind. I don’t remember feeling this distraught over the situation. I was distraught leaving Montreal and a great job. I was upset about having to get rid of everything I owned, but that was the least of my issues. Maybe I’m just remembering things differently. I don’t know. I was younger then, and, frankly, I think the age is making a difference. Something about this is making it very difficult to leave all this stuff. I’m not sure what or why. The truth is I’m heartbroken, and I’m not usually the kind of person to get so attached to items like this.

There are other contributing factors to the general sadness I’m feeling. We don’t have the money for a couch here, so putting one on the street is particularly painful. I want one so bad. I can’t keep sitting in that darn camping chair. It’s hurting my back. On the plus side, I’m watching less TV these days, because I’m fed up. But mostly I don’t have much to do at the moment and the general boredom of life is getting to me in ways I can’t quite explain. I’m frustrated; I’m bored. Todd’s don’t get bored. We do things, lots of things. My sister is working seven days a week, and taking leadership courses. She’s exhausted, over-worked, and I’m jealous. How messed up is that? Everyone in my family is working two jobs except me. No really. Everyone, except the college kids, and they are in college, so technically they are too.

So I’ve decided to do a couple of things about this mess. The first one is that I’m doing NaNoWriMo this year. I’m calling it now, so I can’t back out. It’s been, what, since 2007 that I did this. Too long. I’ve already got one friend interested in doing it with me, and I love her dearly, so I hope she will. But whether she does or doesn’t, I’m going to. I don’t have a concept yet, but I’ve got a couple of ideas banging around in my head.  I’m ready. I’m looking forward to it.I have no idea where I’ll type, but I’ll figure it out. However, that’s in November, and I can’t wait that long to do something. I’m going stir-crazy now. I saw this cheesy video on (I know, I know) that encouraged you to do something new for 30 days. I’ve been meaning to take more pictures while here in Florida. I’m not finding as much inspiration here as I did in New York, so I’m going to push myself. I plan on taking one picture every day for 30 days starting in August. We’ll see how that goes. I’ll try to post most of them here. I’m not promising Ansel Adams, but I think it will keep me inspired to know others will see them. Even if others are just friends and family. I’m going to use the next two weeks to research good sites for shooting. I’ve been wanting to do a long exposure at sunup on the beach, and I’m definitely going to do that. I’ve also been meaning to try some artsy self-portraits. Nothing says self-important artiste like self-portraits, right?  And I’m going to do some still lifes.  (I looked it up and that is the correct plural. Weird, huh?) I’ve got a lot of ideas, but I need to put them into action. I’ve also been going to a lot, but I haven’t found anything that is really speaking to me yet. I’m going to keep looking, though.

Let’s see, we’ve got “Blah, blah, blergh”, “blah, blah, more blergh”, and then “blah, blah, hope”.  Yep, that concludes this “Please Pass the Provolone” Post. Whino out.

*Look, I’m emotionally exhausted, so I apologize if this post is rife with errors. Tell me about it tomorrow, when I’m less fragile.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 15, 2011 12:13 pm

    I’m so sorry about the stuff. I get it.

    You’re doing NaNo!!! I’ve been thinking about writing lately and feeling kind of . . . I don’t know. A lot of things. Excited, overwhelmed, empty, clueless. I don’t think I could do NaNo with my work schedule in November, but it’s certainly got me thinking.

    I hope your projects help pull you out of the slump. I get that, too.

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