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Fear’s Right-Hand Man

April 30, 2012

Buddhism says one should be like a lotus & rise above the muck around you.

Procrastination.

Sometimes it’s all “Oh, procrastination, I haz it – soo funny!” But sometimes it’s all “Yeah, I’m gonna wait to do that because if I wait I can’t fail, and I don’t really know what I’m doing anyway, and if I start it and don’t finish it then people will laugh at me, and if I start it and then get stuck then I’ll get frustrated with myself, and if I do that but it doesn’t work out then what will I do and so I’m gonna sit here on my ever-increasing ass and do nothing, but continue to plan to do it, because that’s safe. Yay procrastination!”

Le sigh.

Yeah. I would say that sums up just about everything that’s going on in my life now. And I’m getting really angry at myself for it, but not in the right kind of way. Not in the productive “Get this done!” way that spurns me into action. It’s more in the “I suck and I give up on life” way. I know that this happens to everybody at times. I understand that, but it isn’t really helping me. There are three things that I really want to get done. Two aren’t even that difficult, but I keep making excuses, and when I really analyze the reasons it boils down to fear. No, these aren’t those home decor items I went over before. In fact, I’d say those things are the to-do’s keeping me from my real to-do list. The tools that fear and procrastination use to prolong their unwelcome occupation.

Ouch.

The solution is very, very simple. I must do – at least, start doing. I could put it poetically, but that’s the short of it. The fear isn’t going to abate, not even after I start on these things. That’s not how fear works, at least not with me. It stays there. The trick is to ignore it or to challenge it. I’m going to get one of these things done this week. I’m going to face my fears (there’s quite a few attached to the one I’m planning to attack) and tackle one of these this week. I’m also going to be honest with a friend about another of them. I’m not promising myself I’ll start tackling that one yet, but I think honesty might be the best Step 1 in this case. I’m hoping that by admitting that fear is fueling the procrastination I might be able to move forward.

Also, I hate you, fear. I really, really hate you. You ruin everything!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2012 6:03 pm

    “It takes both risk and failure to define an artist.” From a comment on Chatting at the Sky

    See also, http://amykate1204.blogspot.com/2012/01/jumping-off.html. Because the best I can do is say, “Yes, I understand COMPLETELY. And, see, I blogged about it, too!”

    Also, love, LOVE your ‘definitions’ of procrastination. I laughed out loud at both. =)

  2. number 4 permalink
    May 2, 2012 4:21 pm

    I put off leaving this comment for soooo long because I was afraid I would botch it.

    Damn… I did anyway.

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