On Warren Jeffs Recent Guilty Verdict

Warren Jeffs fired his whole legal team right before the start of the trial. In case you haven’t been following this despicable human being, he was on trial for sexually assaulting a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old. He said that the legal team didn’t understand the true story, and so they couldn’t properly represent him. But I like to think that he was just following God’s will – for possibly the first time:

“Are you there Warren? It’s me, God.”

“Yes. Praise Jesus. I’m here.”

“Warren, I need you to do something in order to get true justice in this trial.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“I need you to fire your legal team and represent yourself.”

“But I’m not a lawyer. How can I defend myself properly?”

“Trust your Savior, Warren. This is my will.”

“But I don’t know how to show that they illegally seized the evidence. And I don’t know how to speak fancy legal words. I don’t even know what’s in the Constitution.”

“I know all that. I’m omnipotent, Warren. Remember?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know that, too. I know all about you, buddy. Are you going to follow my will or not? With America’s legal system the way it is, this is the only way to ensure that you never…. er, I mean, that the bad people go to… That I can protect my children.”

“Oh thank you, Sweet Savior.  I’ll go do it right now.”

“Good job, Warren.” muffled shouted “Hey, Gabriel, you can call off team 2. Cappuccinos all around!”

“Wait, You drink coffee?!”